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Every competent physician regularly reads the professional literature to keep abreast of the latest research. [And to accumulate the mandated 30 CME’s (Continuing Medical Education credits) a year to stay licensed.]

This excerpt from my clinical memoir, Practice, Practice, Practice: This Psychiatrist’s Life is one such study—if that’s what it is. The research was done well before COVID, but Dr. Fauci confirms the findings are robust enough to apply to any viral assault, including past and future pandemics.

Yes, ‘tis the season once again. Time to repost and reread this insanely useful study—your world will be rocked. Guaranteed. Call me Santa. You’re welcome. Stay vaxxed. Mask prn. Stay away from family. Happy holidays!

Holiday Family Gatherings a Contributing Factor to Yearly Winter Flu Epidemic, Study Reports

By D. Essem

February, DweebMD, Internet Medical News. A landmark study published back in the day in the esteemed science journal Family Hell asserts that holiday revelry with relatives “is so stressful to the immune system, it collapses like a building seeded with dynamite,” says I. M. Trapt, M.D., primary researcher and family member.

“Extensive research has already concluded that baked goods, recreational drugs, and holiday shopping are deleterious to the immune system,” Trapt reports. But what happens when family members gather to “enjoy” the holidays? “Nothing good,” says Trapt. “Zombie grudges, sniper potshots under the influence, Auntie Petunia’s tooth-breaker chuck roast, your cousin the soup slurper—it all comes back.”

Why would we “forget” this? Wishful thinking, she says. What’s the cost of hoping for the best? Breached immune defenses and invasion by viral hordes. Expect at least a week of shattering chills, broiling fevers and bodily fluids exiting from multiple portals.

“It’s a wonder we don’t kill each other. Or keel over,” observes Trapt. “That’s what gave me the idea for the study.”

The Study:

· The study asked: Does avoiding family during the holidays boost immune response, thereby decreasing incidence of flu?

· The researcher’s husband and son spent the holidays with both families of origin.

· She stayed home alone, serving as the control group.

· The research period began the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and ended January first, with no time off for good behavior.

· Unlimited e-mailing, texting, and phone contact was allowed between the research participants for three reasons: (1) to maintain family bonding; (2) to maintain verisimilitude of real life; and (3) to prevent nuclear meltdown of Mr. Dr. Trapt and son.

· Mr. Dr. Trapt and son returned home January 2 via emergency medical transport.

· Dr. Trapt remained happy and healthy during the research period, as well as two weeks after, at which point she went down.

· Dr. Trapt’s family of origin is no longer speaking to her.

Clinical Implications:

Dr. Trapt was unimpressed that the study validated her holiday-hermit hypothesis. “Less stress, more white blood cells, better immune defense against germ incursion. Duh.” As to why the flu struck her down mid-January, she speculates survivor guilt compromised her immune response. “I maxed out keeping Hubby’s and Son’s pillows fluffed.”

“Maxed out nothing,” Mr. Dr. Trapt groused. “I had to deal with family. She didn’t.”

“My daughter the doctor, she never texts, she never calls,” Sheila Sitsin de Dark, the researcher’s mother, said. “Her brother the Nobel Laureate, he finds time.”

“I feel bad about Mom,” Dr. Trapt affirmed. “But I’ll get over it.”

More research is needed, she says. Limitations of the study included small sample size, lack of objective measures, and an utter lack of professionalism. Still, the results are encouraging. “Avoid family gatherings over the holidays by all means,” she says.

“If you can’t avoid family and get sick, there are worse things,” Trapt says. As in, relatives clustering round. “To make them go away, fib. Say you’re contagious,” she suggests. Proper timing, she speculates, may make it possible to delegate all holiday responsibilities, avoid everybody, and still capture sympathy and presents. “That’s next year’s study,” she says.

In the meantime, if you don’t want to be sick forever, the doc advises we “pull out the big guns. Nothing kicks viral butt like ginger lemon tea with honey.” Chicken soup is also efficacious and delicious, she says. “Kill two bugs with one stone: Beg Mom pretty please to make you hers, and she’ll definitely forgive you.”

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Ginger Lemon Tea

· Bring a spaghetti pot of filtered water to a boil.

· Peel and chunk a palm-sized piece of ginger. Add to boiling water.

· Reduce heat and simmer for an hour with lid askew (to concentrate the tisane). Turn off the heat.

· Wash and slice several lemons into thick coins. Add to the ginger infusion.

· Add honey to taste. Dilute to taste.

· Drink hot till your back teeth float and your family complains they need the bathroom too.

· Stores for at least a week in the fridge.