Image credit: Unsplash, Lesli Whitecotton @lnicolern

Fun fact: 80% of human communication is non-verbal. Think of the attitude and physical expression that drives the chef’s kiss gesture. That gesture says so much more than the word delightful.

Words floating free of our bodies (i.e. on paper or screen) are slippery and easily misinterpreted. That’s why writing is so hard. That’s the core problem with texting, making it a terrible way to communicate effectively. Yet, not only has texting become ubiquitous, expecting an immediate reply has too. Any delay arouses impatience, anxiety, or worse. Ghosting—abruptly cutting off all contact without explanation by no longer accepting or responding to texts, phone calls or emails— has become an appallingly common—and deeply unkind— way to find out you’ve been dumped by a romantic partner or didn’t get the job.

According to the CDC, in 2021, HALF (50.4%) of teens between the ages of 12-17 spent four hours or more a day on screens. That’s 28 hours per week. Increase to 5 hours a day, that’s 35 hours a week. Six hours a day—42 hours a week—a full time job. Today, in 2025, you know this reality has probably worsened instead of improved.

Another fun fact: the brain doubles its connections and neural networks during adolescence in response to what the environment demands, including social skills. If teens are spending approximately 40 hours a week NOT interacting with live people, their brains are not making connections for relating during those hours. That translates into people who are “awkward,” essentially from lack of practice. If you don’t use it, you lose it. Or more accurately, you don’t make the connections to begin with.

The rapidity of brain growth during the teen years is unique. The adult brain takes much, much longer than a teen brain to make new connections and lay down new track in response to new interpersonal demands. An awkward teen usually becomes an awkward adult.

Poor social and interpersonal skills—not making eye contact, not getting body language and facial expression, trouble making conversation—lead to social isolation, depression, anxiety, poor frustration tolerance, and more. Which leads people to cling to their phone as if it were a life preserver. Which leads to more isolation, depression, anxiety, etc. And so the snake eats her tail. Social disengagement is so widespread that even adults who work in hospitality—hotels and restaurants— often seem to be going through the motions, speaking their lines on autopilot, their eyes blank.

Unfortunately, screens have replaced people in so many jobs, we are forced to interact with them when we’d rather not. At my husband’s last medical appointment, the receptionist handed him a tablet that asked the questions a nurse would have in the past. A friend told me that her granddaughter, aged 8, panicked at Panera when she expected her granddaughter to order from the staff person behind the counter. The little girl begged to order by touch screen pad at the entrance.

Let’s face it. It’s often easier to navigate the black and white of a screen than deal with the shifting grays of live humans. As an example, our (or their) vocal tone or facial expression may not match the words spoken, resulting in a mixed (i.e. confusing) message. It’s easy to misunderstand the people we know best. It’s even easier with strangers.

Small talk when shopping is often a no-go. (Hello? Earth to cashier. Earth to cashier.) If I’m in a hurry, I’d rather use the self-checkout—no dead eyes; no cringing when the bagger carelessly bruises the bananas; no fuss, no muss; in and out. Ominously, I find myself self-checking out more and more frequently. Is this the insidious beginning of my own slide down the cyber rabbit hole?

Resisting the seductions of screen transactions has become a radical act. Subversive even. When we connect and communicate meaningfully with each other, that’s a victory. Not feeling understood and seen by the people who matter to us becomes unbearable, as it has for so many young people. Demand for mental health services has never been higher.

In 2022, a group of Brooklyn high school students calling themselves screenagers formed The Luddite Club. “We’re a team of former screenagers turning our student-led club into a 501(C)(3) nonprofit, connecting young people to the communities and the knowledge to conquer big tech’s addictive agendas themselves. Unplug.”

In closing, let me piggyback on The Luddite Club’s mission statement and say the obvious. Spend less time on screens and more with people in person. Even if you feel squirmy and uncomfortable when faced with someone alive, remember practice makes better. Whether you’re physically together or reaching out remotely with a device, never assume you’ve understood each other. Always double check. Take the time. Don’t ever, ever ghost someone. God dammit babies, you’ve got to be kind. (Kurt Vonnegut)

Down the Cyber Rabbit Hole

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