I recently had a dialogue with my friend Hector about racism which was so productive that I published an essay about it on Medium. You can read it here. He went from denying he was racist to being willing to accept that since we are all products of our culture and our culture is racist, therefore, both of us, being White, are unavoidably racist. (Cookies were also involved.)

The piece went modestly viral. I received a variety of thought provoking comments. They came from three types of readers: Black readers, reasonable White readers and White male trolls.

Black readers appreciated that I continued to talk with Hector until he “got it” rather than giving up on him:

This was so good. I can’t say thank you enough. We need more good patient people to have these conversations. My patience is wearing thin (lol), but I’ll never give up.

Good point. I much prefer listening to white people who acknowledge that they are racist and open to explore what that means, as opposed to denying and hiding away from using the term, which closes dialogue.

Your article did an amazing job of hitting on some threads we are collectively pulling. The "few outliers" or "a few bad apples" argument fails to meet the moment face to face. Thank you for not looking away.

Thanks for writing this…. Back in high school one of the nuns once said that all Americans are racist, and it's hard to grow up in our society and not be so. That stuck with me. If we don't ever recognize that in ourselves then we will never move past it. I'd like to think I have but I know we all have work to do. You seem to have found an effective inroad to having that conversation and that's a good thing.

Reasonable White people told me the piece was helpful:

Thank you for this! These conversations get heated quickly and I've had to unfriend/block several people from my social media since the George Floyd murder. I've also been unfriended--comes with the territory.… You've given some great tips for dealing with the racism deniers!

This is perfect. I have seen so many well-intentioned folks, speaking the right language and be syntactically correct, but not grasping one has to sell the point in a language people can hear….

Loved this! This is exactly the kind of conversation that needs to happen again, and again and again. And white people thinking “I don’t matter is b.s. They can make decisions in their families, communities, work places, civic organizations that lift up, support and amplify people of color. Your friends’s role on the zoning board is a perfect example of an area where he can leverage his privilege for the good of people….

This is an excellent article, which I intend to refer back to often. I tend to run out of patience with people who consistently just don't get it...including myself sometimes, though I have made an intensive effort to educate myself and stay open-minded…. Thank you for sharing your insight and technique.

This is definitely what I think our responsibility is as white Americans, and one of the most valuable, un-intrusive ways we can contribute to ending white supremacy. As white people who grew up in a racist society, we understand where other white people's ideas come from--we know how the seeds of unconscious racism get planted and how they grow, because it happened to us, too. As much as we hate to admit it, we can identify with other white people's assumptions and misunderstandings, because we shared them at one point or another. It equips us to zero in on those assumptions and really speak to them….

White male trolls patronized, debated and disparaged the idea, and me personally:

Utter bullshit! If we're all racist, what was Hitler? What is David Duke? What is Trump?Is this your idea of doing no harm, Doc? Imposing this psychological burden on every White person within the sound of your keyboard?....

As a shrink, one would think you’d be aware that starting off a conversation by saying someone doesn’t understand something because they are a Privileged White Man and then following up with a phrase as reductive, masochistic, and emotionally manipulative as “We’re all racist”… would not yield the response you are looking for. You sound like a lot of fun at picnics!”….

So…based on your logic, all Germans are anti-semites. All Muslims are sexists and anti-Christian. I could go on and on and on… I read this more as you finding a way to admit you’re a racist without the backlash of being labeled a racist.

Is this a hill you would die on? Certainly you, as a “shrink” understand the massive and negative implications of such an assertion.

You have benefited from the white power structure and now want to take away everyone else’s benefits. Good luck with that.

The truth is, White people benefit from racism and most won’t address it out of self-interest. The comments from Black readers validated how necessary it is for White people to have this conversation with each other. White readers affirmed that too, and appreciated that I pointed out a way to address that resistance more successfully.

All the comments I received were useful—except the ones from trolls. Comments from trolls are never useful. Trolls don’t want a meaningful conversation. They want to argue, dismiss and insult. As a therapist, I can tell you it’s just not possible to have a dialogue with people whose minds are closed.

Will I continue to write, despite trolls? Of course! I ignore trolls. Who do I want to connect with? Black readers and reasonable White readers. Together, we're the one’s moving the conversation forward.

Talking with my friend Hector was frustrating and difficult, but I could tell he was interested so I persisted. When he understood what I was saying about racism and agreed with it—Wow! I’d made a difference.

Writing about it—Wow!—amplified that conversation.

And the conversation continued as I thought about and responded to what readers had to say.

Readers, thank you so much. Your comments sourced this article. Please comment again— I’d love to continue the conversation. Haters—watch yourselves. I’m a therapist and can see right through your bullshit. I just might take apart your lame arguments and write another article.

My book is a memoir of my work as a therapist, a big part of which is helping patients figure out how to identify and let go of toxic people. — *My book* *is a memoir of my work as a therapist, a big part of which is helping patients figure out how to identify and let go of toxic people.*