New Yorker 2011So, we’re a month into 2012. How’s it going? Off the junk food yet? On the treadmill? Jumping on and off the scale like it’s burning your feet? I hear those growns— I mean, groans. I’m with you.  It’s SO HARD. As Oscar Wilde quipped: I can resist everything except temptation. 

When everyone in your house gets cozy on the couch to watch the game with peanut M & M’s and pretzels, it’s painful.  But when they entice you— “Come sit down! Have some cheese and crackers!” that’s diabolical.

Because, probably like me, you’re tempted: “Maybe… just one?” Right. One leads to two leads to the whole bag. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. William Blake 

Whether we’re breaking a bad habit, or building a good one, it’s human nature to resist change. Change is anxiety provoking. And if the change is “good for you”? Health food makes me sick. Calvin Trillin 

When I manage, from the darkest depths of Mordor, to retch a “No thanks!” I amaze myself.  Proudly, I wait for an admiring look from Hubby. Maybe I’ll even get a “Good for you!” Instead, I get a snort, a dirty look and a muttered, “Buzz kill.” 

Devastating. How to choose? It’s a lose-lose. Either we support our health, and lose our mate(s). Or, we lose our health, and support our partner(s) in crime. Now you know why people keep drinking and drugging.

It’s a two way street though: Just as our loved ones affect us, so we affect them. When we jump up and down on our shared social web, “Hey! I dieting! I’m exercising! Why don’t you?!” the resulting wave throws them off balance. They don’t like that. 

Let’s get real. We’re surrounded by friendly enemies. These lovely people will give lip service to the cause— How can they not? Anything else gives them away— while actively seducing and/or bullying us to betray it: 

• You’re not going to have any of this pizza? Really? Oh, that’s right, you’re off pizza. You sure?

• We’ve had a horrible, no good, very bad day. Let’s binge! We deserve it. 

• Woops. Forgot to buy salad. My bad.

• Have a donut! (A beer! A joint!)  What, you think you’re better than us?! 

• God, what’s happened to you? You’re turned into fruitcake health nut.

• Etc.

Why are we looking for a buddy to hold our hand anyway? We’re not kids crossing a dangerous intersection. Well, maybe we feel that way…. Because resolving to get healthy IS a crossroads. An internal one. “Two roads diverged in a yellow wood…/and I, I took the one less traveled by,/and that has made all the difference.” Robert Frost

Actually doing it: choosing a path and walking it, requires a commitment, to our Self. And if we’re of two minds— and who isn’t, even a little— talking about it just asks for trouble. 

So, DON’T TELL ANYBODY!!!! That’s THE SECRET! Keep it to yourself! Especially don’t tell your nearest and dearest. Assume they will sabotage you. Don’t take it personally. They’re just afraid. So don’t scare them. What they don’t know won’t hurt them. 

Buy now, and get this free gift! You’ll struggle in private. No comments from the peanut gallery! No cheerleading for your dark side!

Stealth Leads To Health:

• When is the best time to eat healthy? When there are no witnesses, of course.  

• When eating with others, act as-if. Stoop to sly distractions. Don’t hesitate to lie. Accept the onion ring, and “Oh no!” you’ve dropped it. (If there’s a dog or a toddler in residence, you’re home free.) You’re pasta intolerant.  You’re allergic to cake. Whatever it takes.

• Cache apples in your clothes closet. Get up in the middle of the night to sneak carrot sticks. Stash flasks of raw nuts and raisins in the toilet tank. 

• Call your spouse, say you’re working late, then drive the back way to the gym or your weight watchers support group.

• When people accuse you of losing weight, just look down at yourself in surprise, and shrug. If pressed, deny it. If pressed further, what the hell, say you’ve gained.

• Clothes shop alone. 

To maintain weight, there is only one rule: Exercise an hour a day, every day. Do something you’ll enjoy, or you’ll stop. Trust me, I’m a shrink.

To lose weight, use whatever diet works. I like to KISS: Keep It Simple Stupid. 

• Half (or more) of what we eat in a day should be produce and fruit. Half of the remainder, protein. Most of the rest, whole grain (oatmeal, brown rice), and lastly, a little fat, for flavor (olive oil vinaigrette; a little parmesan on the veggies).

• Heat destroys nutrients. Eat your fruits and veggies raw, or lightly steamed. Anything pasteurized, roasted or toasted has been heated, and the nutrients added back as supplements. V-8? Pasteurized. Planter’s peanuts? Roasted. Drink juice fresh squeezed. Eat nuts raw.

• Start every meal (and snack) with the produce, finish with the rest. Have you noticed if you start with the pizza, you never get to the salad? Me too.

• Give up white food: white sugar (and artificial sweetners), white flour, potatoes and white rice. That pretty much eliminates anything bagged, bottled or boxed; restaurant food and fried food.

Do I hear screaming?! 

• Expect to crave. Don’t say no. Defer instead: Eat something healthy first. You’ll eat less bad stuff, while getting in more good. If you crave salt, eat a small salad or carrots with ranch dressing, with a small chaser of chips, cheese, whatever. If you crave sweets, start with fruit, followed by a small piece of chocolate, a cookie, whatever.

• I know Ernestine Ulmer said, Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.  If you’re going to die in the next day or two, OK.  Otherwise, end your meal with a little fat or sweet for a gustatory peak, which signals your brain you’re done.

• People who naturally maintain their weight exercise daily and tend to eat the same breakfasts, lunches and snacks, with dinner being the meal that varies, but not too much. Constancy. Good for love, good for health.

• After a while, you’ll get so used to living healthy, you’ll forget to sneak around, just like those chemists making meth in the trunks of their cars. Do anything long enough, it becomes normal. 

In the meantime, as the numbers on the scale hardly decline, it helps to remember that getting off the couch and switching from food-as-fun to food-as-fuel is a PROCESS.  Make it enjoyable. That way, you’ll… enjoy it. Take your time. Say, ninety meals in ninety days. Relapse is part of recovery. 

For exercise, wander lonely as a cloud that floats on high o’er vales and hills…. When you wander off the wagon, forgive yourself, recommit and start again.  Take pleasure in the safety and quiet of your solitude. No audience, no opinions.

As you stroll, smell the roses and the oranges. The road to health is paved with fruits and veggies.

 ***

Recommended reading:

• Food Rules, An Eaters Manual, Michael Pollan. Outstandingly useful, brief and amusing. Here’s the Table of Contents: Part I: What should I eat? (Eat food.) Part II: What kind of food should I eat? (Mostly plants.) Part III: How should I eat? (Not too much.)

• Sad Dog, Happy Dog, How Poor Posture Affects Your Childs Health And What You Can Do About It, Kathleen Porter. Excellent how-to manual to realign your spine. Improve your posture, look and feel better. Instructions simple enough for the kid in you to follow.

• The Power Of Introverts: A Manifesto For Quiet Brilliance, Gareth Cook, Huffington Post