"Deep South" by Woody Allen

            I was down south once, and I was invited to a costume party, and I rarely go to them, I went to one when I was younger. I went in my underwear shorts, and I have varicose veins. I went as a roadmap. And I figure, what the hell, it's Halloween, I'll go as a ghost. I take a sheet off the bed and I throw it over my head, and I go to the party. And you have to get the picture, I'm walking down the street in a deep southern town, I have a white sheet over my head. And a car pulls up and three guys with white sheets say "Get in". So I figure there's guys going to the party, as ghosts, and I get into the car, and I see were not going to the party, and I tell them. They say "Well, we have to go pick up the Grand Dragon". All of a sudden it hits me, down south, white sheets, the Grand Dragon, I put two and two together. I figure there's a guy going to the party dressed as a dragon.

            All of a sudden a big guy enters the car, and I'm sitting there between four clansmen, four big-armed men, and the door's locked, and I'm petrified, I'm trying to pass desperately, y'know, I'm saying "Y'all" and "Grits", y'know, I must have said "grits" fifty times, y'know. They ask me a question, and I say "Oh, grits, grits". And next to me is the leader of the cla... you can tell he is the leader, 'cause he's the one wearing contour sheets, y'know. And they drive me to an empty field, and I gave myself away, 'cause they asked for donations, and everybody there gave cash. When it came to me, I said "I pledge fifty dollars". They knew immediately. They took my hood off and threw a rope around my neck, and they decided to hang me.

            And suddenly my whole life passed before my eyes. I saw myself as a kid again, in Kansas, going to school, swimming at the swimming hole, and fishing, frying up a mess-o-catfish, going down to the general store, getting a piece of gingham for Emmy-Lou. And I realise it's not my life. They're gonna hang me in two minutes, the wrong life is passing before my eyes. And I spoke to them, and I was really eloquent, I said "Fellas, this country can't survive, unless we love one another regardless of race, creed or colour". And they were so moved by my words, not only did they cut me down and let me go, but that night, I sold them two thousand dollars worth of Israel Bonds.


Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

Dr. Schlambaugh of the U. of Oklahoma Chemical Engineering Dept. is known for asking questions on his finals like: “Why do airplanes fly?”  In May 1997, the Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II final exam question was: “Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof.” Most students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law or some variant. One student however, wrote the following:

“First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls must have a mass. So at what rate are souls moving into Hell and at what rate are souls leaving?  I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it does not leave.  Therefore, no souls are leaving.  As for souls entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some religions say that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.  Since there are more than one of these religions, and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.  With the birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.  Now, we look at the rate of change in the volume of Hell.  Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of the souls and volume needs to stay constant. (A1) So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. (A2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase in souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So, which is it?  If we accept the postulate given to me by Theresa Banyan during freshman year, that ‘It’ll be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and taking into account that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (A2) cannot be true; thus Hell is exothermic.”

The student, Tim Graham, got an A.

(Source: Seven Days, a freebie newspaper out of Burlington, VT, 8/5/98, pg. 40.)

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